You Can't Miss What You Never Had
Or Can You???
You can’t miss what you never had, right? Untrue.
Sometimes you long for what you’ve never had. I know the emotional, mental, and spiritual rollercoaster of longing for a touch, or a hug, or just for my dad to be present very well. My father taking his life before I was born meant that I didn’t have anything to compare what I longed for to, not that I had nothing to miss.
As I grew up, I longed for that father; for that male affirmation that only a father can give. I also believe that my first abuser also longed for that same thing and that he had been sexually abused himself. Actually, I believe that most of my abusers were victims of the same kind of sexual and mental abuse.
When GOD designed us, HE wired us to desire same-sex intimacy. Intimacy is not sex; it is a familial or familiar bond. Little boys long for the intimate relationship with their father, brother, uncle, grandpa, and other men in their community as well. Whether it be a teacher, a coach, a trainer, etc… maybe that is why so many abusers chose those types of positions and jobs over the years and abused that authority/position.
As I grew up, I found slivers of what I desired. Pieces of validation, affirmation, intimacy, attention, comfort and other emotional and physical aspects I cannot quite put into words. But each of those fragments didn’t last long, they were very momentary. This is important because when you are in that mindset and situation, you sincerely believe that you will find the love, joy, and happiness that you are seeking if only you can continue to press forward.
As a child, I had associated love with sex. I became a sex-addict by age 10 because finding love was my only goal. One can never find true, pure love while caught in the web of deception, addiction, victimhood, strongholds, and mental/emotional anguish. We believe love to be a feeling, but it is not a warm fuzzy feeling, it is an action! It is all very confusing for an adult, let alone a child.
I was a 14-year-old runaway on the streets of Philadelphia seeking love, joy, peace, and happiness. All of my life I was targeted, used, abused, profited off of, beaten down, and tossed to & fro’ like a rag doll. So even now, as a 53-year-old adult man, I certainly do have misperceptions of some emotions or desires at times. But, as a man of GOD, I have peace, joy, happiness, and most importantly, purpose. I also have brethren, which means I have council and guidance. And while I do have some intimacy with my brothers, I find myself still longing for true intimacy with others.
I spent 30+ years being a tool for thousands of men. I spent 20 years trying desperately to dissociate from self by becoming trans-identified. I spent so many years bouncing back and forth from being David to Paige, from trick to lover, from drugs to alcohol, from ‘gay’ to trans, from wanting to end my life to thinking I had it all together!
I went from being an innocent young boy that just desired to have a dad, to being a sexual abuse victim of a family member, a family friend, neighbors, strangers, teachers, and anyone that could see how much I desired male validation! I actually went out looking for someone to abuse me at times just so I could feel what I thought was ‘love’!
When I was radically saved, by the Grace & Mercy of GOD, I thought that everything would just fall into place and that I wouldn’t struggle with any of the ‘old self’ because I had truly become a new man. HE changed my thoughts, my desires, my feelings, my heart, and every single aspect of who/what I had become simply by allowing me to discover my true identity in JESUS The CHRIST. And it was beautiful!
As time went by, I’d noticed that some desires as well as thoughts & feelings on certain topics had begun to change. I was redeemed! HE truly changed the desires of my heart. I longed for GOD. I longed for GOD so much that I fell into a rut, like so many Christians do, I tried to humanize HIM. To be very honest, and I doubt I’ve ever stated this truth before, I wanted GOD to hug me, to hold me, to come sit with me and tell me it was all going to be okay and that the thoughts & feelings that were trying so desperately to enter my mind were not of HIM but that I was being oppressed by some very dark and dangerous spirits.
You see, when I was on my deathbed with full blown AIDS, infections in my brain and blood, boils all over my body from infections fighting their way out, and had been given less than 3 months to live, I was Blessed with the moment of recognizing that I was loved and that I did have a FATHER that loved me unconditionally. But like my entire life, I wanted more!
I never knew the circumstances surrounding my father taking his life really. I knew that him and my mother had an argument, that he wanted another son (he had one with another woman, his wife actually), and that it all went down in Canada. But that is all I really knew. It was when Tom Dunn decided to do a documentary about my life that I found out that my mother had felt responsible for my dad taking his life ever since the day it happened. That they had an argument and that she told me dad, out of hurt, anger & rage, that she “was pregnant but had flushed it down the toilet!”
That had given me a rush of emotions, and I was vulnerable at the time. I’d also been lured to Kentucky to ‘help’ someone when it was all just a set-up to conduct a spiritual attack on me specifically. This was around the same time that my brother, Lee, had died. There was a lot going on then! It was heavy, and I could feel those moments when the darkness was seeping in, but I couldn’t tell anyone because I was supposed to have it all together. What a misperception that was! But it did give me some insight on the struggles of others and how, and why, they stumble into darkness or open themselves up to being demonized and/or oppressed.
Even now, there are times of struggle. What I’ve learned over the years is that it is okay to struggle as long as we don’t struggle with the struggle itself. We are content, strong and secure in the finished work of JESUS The CHRIST on that cross. But we cannot struggle with the struggle because then we are taking on the job of The Holy Spirit and getting into a tussle with wickedness that has one goal; to oppress and possess us!
Once my spiritual attack had physical consequences and I ended up in the hospital needing emergency surgery because I was septic, there were individuals that started doubted me, and stopped believing in me. I always remember one comment a ‘brother’ made, “maybe David just went to Kentucky to sow his oats and his actions caused his medical issues.” That comment really hit me hard, as the oppression that had already began to take hold since the attack made me start wondering if everyone was thinking the same thing as that ‘brother’ was.
When I fell away back in 2021 there were so many different aspects as to why. There were so many different struggles going down. There were so many attacks being waged on me. There were individuals that claimed to be my brothers in The CHRIST trying desperately to seduce me into sexual pleasures, and a few of them succeeded. They used my own studies and ideology against me, and used the intimacy I still desired to their advantage to get mentally and emotionally close to me before they got physically close. From there it was all downhill because I struggled more and I also felt more isolated than ever before.
One thing important to understand is when others put someone on a pedestal or make statements like, “he has it all together” – “David is the longest running ex-gay we know” – “Not David, he is strong and he can go up against them” [meaning the lgbtq activists] – and so many other things that are said to compliment someone or encourage them but actually set them to a higher standard than everyone else. So, if those individuals do struggle with anything at all, they’re less likely to be forthcoming because they feel a sense of guilt or shame for actually struggling. So they try to struggle with the struggle on their own, and that is not our job, but the job of The Holy Spirit. So, they fail, stumble, and fall.
Even after being delivered from the oppressive spirits of confusion, homosexuality, vices, addictions, lust, etc… there are moments that I see a couple that appears happy and content and I wish I had that. There are times I embrace (or am embraced by) a brother that I find myself wishing I could just stop time and truly enjoy that intimate display of affection. There are other times I struggle with wondering will I ever have a true and pure relationship with a brother where there is no risk of struggle? Will I ever experience a committed relationship with a Proverbs woman? Or will I remain solo?
This is why deliverance is so important. I did go through a few deliverance sessions over the years, especially after my spiritual attack in Kentucky, but what we don’t realize is that there are always demonic spirits trying to attack, oppress, depress, infiltrate, possess, and
just get into our minds all the time, and all around us. And when we have been granted a powerful testimony, or mission, then the dangers of those spiritual attacks increase. This is why we must be open to deliverance and to deliverance ministry.
When I woke this morning, I felt like there was something I am missing, something I long for. I remembered a part of a dream I had last night where someone (not sure who) had said to me, “You can’t miss what you never had. Get over it.” Which is what, I believe, brought this rant on. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and always know that deliverance is not a one time experience… we all need to be delivered from all of the wickedness that seems to linger around us.
